Funnier Than Fiction

One of the least self-aware bigots I have digitally come across in a while:

As The Stranger editor Dan Savage points out on his hilarious weekly sex advice column, "Savage Love":

"And now a question for you, Representative Elliott: Are you really sure you want to make it illegal for buttfuckers to get married?

"'According to a 2005 survey conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention," Baconcat wrote on Slog, The Stranger's blog, in reaction to Elliott's remarks, "40 percent of men and 35 percent of women between 25 and 44 had engaged in heterosexual anal sex. Some studies put the incidence of anal sex in the heterosexual population as low as 24 percent and some as high as 56 percent. Averaging those numbers, let's say 38.8 percent of heterosexuals engage in anal sex. Ninety-six percent of Americans are straight. There are 190,000,000 adults between the ages of 18 and 65 in the United States, so that means 70,771,200 adults are engaging in heterosexual anal sex. Four percent of the adult population is gay, or 7,600,000 people. Roughly half—3,800,000—are gay males. Polls indicate that between 55 and 80 percent of gay males participate in anal sex. Taking the average—67.5 percent—that means the number of gay men having anal sex comes to 2,565,000."

"Math is hard, Representative Elliott, but see if you can't wiggle this into your cranial cavity: 70,771,200 is more—a whole lot more—than 2,565,000. If you really want to protect the sacred sanctity of marriage from the unholy taint of penises wiggling in rectums, Representative Elliott, you need to ban straight marriage first."

The proposed ban on same-sex marriage, less than three months since it was legalized in the state of New Hampshire, was soundly shot down this week.

If you see a woodpecker at the corner store buying a snickers-

Get a whatchamacalit.

If you see a woodpecker wearing a golden tunic-

He is a peruvian druid.

Farewell, Darren and Where We Go From Here

Unless you've been living on the moon, you know that the San Diego Chargers released the man, the legend: Ladainian Tomlinson. It was no surprise. He wants more money than manager A.J. Smith is willing to spend. There's no doubt that the guy is on the decline; he had career lows in virtually every category last year and he's been replaced by Norv Turner's pass-happy offense.

It is also now known that the team will not re-sign the "Lightning Bug" Darren Sproles. The 5'6 speed demon will test free agency and end up on another team next year. There's no doubt Sproles is a playmaker but, after releasing LT, this left him as a premiere, every-down running back - a role Sproles simply cannot bare. So, correct me if I'm wrong, but this leaves the Chargers backfield with 3 players: The fullbacks Michael Tolbert and Jacob Hester and the 100 year old RB Michael Bennet. It's clear the Chargers are completely starting clean-slate in the running back position. They're shopping CB Antonio Cromartie (who has 6 children with 5 different women scattered throughout the country) for a draft pick or perhaps a running back. At any rate, the running back position is the team's biggest need (along with OL, DT, and safety) and it will be very interesting to see how AJ Smith approaches it this offseason. He has quite the track record when it comes to drafting running backs. Many found him insane for selecting LT over QB Michael Vick in the first round. He also selected ex-Charger Michael Turner and Darren Sporles in the later rounds of the draft. Both were fine picks. Stay tuned...

The Only Place To Legally View Porn In Uganda: A Church

Ugandan pastor Martin Ssempa has been showing gay porn to shock his congregation into support for the kill-the-gays bill. From the Ugandan news site, The Observer:

Thousands of believers and non-believers alike are flocking to Makerere Community Church following reports that gay pornography screenings have become part of Sunday worship.

According to the BBC, anti-gay activist, Pastor Martin Ssempa has been screening gay porn in his church ostensibly to drum up support for his anti-gay crusade.

This makes Makerere Community Church the only place in Uganda where watching pornography is “legal”. According to Uganda’s laws, even mere possession of pornographic material is a crime.

It would appear that Makerere Community Church has got a special license to show porn. Moreover, perhaps following Jesus Christ’s example of welcoming children, even kids can watch porn at Makerere Community Church.

A source who went to watch a “normal” film at Cineplex at Garden City on Sunday was surprised to find himself alone in the cinema. He too abandoned Cineplex and rushed to Makerere Community Church when a friend sent him an SMS saying that a “sexy film of people doing things” was showing there.

However, some people who attended the Ssempa pornography screening complained that the good pastor has “poor taste”.

“I am now convinced the man is a pastor. Is that the best gay porn he could find? I was waiting to see lesbians doing it but where, he only showed men!” complained a member of the congregation.

He said he would speak to the pastor to “balance up things” by showing lesbian sex, as well as heterosexual sex.

“If I am going to choose between gay sex and straight sex, I need to compare and contrast,” he said.
Some people, however, were happy that they now know what homosexuality is all about.

“I can’t wait to get home and try it out. The men in the movie really seemed to be enjoying themselves,” one member of the congregation told The Analyst.

Meanwhile, sources in religious circles say that many churches, fearing that they might lose their congregations to Pastor Ssempa’s church, are scrambling to import their own pornographic movies.

“Pastor Ssempa has showed us a whole new way to attract followers,” one priest told The Analyst, adding that once the blue movies arrived, he would rename his church “Kampala Miracle Cinema”.

Pixxx:

"Killer" whale attacks animal kidnapper!

Make your own judgments. I'm 100% against keeping these wild animals in captivity for $$$.

ORLANDO, Fla. — A SeaWorld killer whale snatched a trainer from a poolside platform Wednesday in its jaws and thrashed the woman around underwater, killing her in front of a horrified audience. It marked the third time the animal had been involved in a human death.

Distraught audience members were hustled out of the stadium immediately, and part of the park was closed.

Trainer Dawn Brancheau, 40, was rubbing Tilikum after a noontime show when the 12,000-pound whale grabbed her and pulled her in, said Chuck Tompkins, head of animal training at all SeaWorld parks. Park officials say the veteran trainer drowned.

Audience member Eldon Skaggs said Brancheau's interaction with the whale appeared leisurely and informal at first. But then the whale "pulled her under and started swimming around with her," he told The Associated Press.

Skaggs, 72, said an alarm sounded and staff rushed the audience out of the stadium as workers scrambled around with nets.

Skaggs said he heard that during an earlier show the whale was not responding to directions. Others who attended the earlier show said the whale was behaving like an ornery child.

He left with his wife and didn't find out until later that the trainer had died. The retired couple from Michigan had been among some stragglers in the audience who had stayed to watch the animals and trainers when the accident occurred.

"We were just a little bit stunned," said Skaggs' wife, Sue Nichols, 67.

Another audience member, Victoria Biniak, told WKMG-TV the whale "took off really fast in the tank, and then he came back, shot up in the air, grabbed the trainer by the waist and started thrashing around, and one of her shoes flew off."

- Huffington Post

FAN-FILM-VICTORY

Headline Fails

Well, that just makes sense.

Whoever wrote this headline should go to there.

What do you guys think angel shit tastes like?! Salvation, probs.

An injury to be proud of.

BROKEN CLOCKS

they're still right twice a day



"There is no doubt that Toyota’s accelerator problems are serious - they have been responsible for a number of deaths. But other US automakers have been responsible for numerous recalls.
 
Now there are voices in the United States that are questioning the impartiality of the government, which owns a tenth of Chrysler and almost two-thirds of General Motors.
 
According to Bloomberg, radio host Rush Limbaugh says Ray LaHood, the US transportation secretary, has been “running around ripping Toyota to shreds,” and was behaving like “one of the brand managers” for GM and Chrysler.
 
LaHood also told Toyota owners to stop driving their cars – he later said he misspoke! Would he have said the same of US automakers?"

http://m.aljazeera.net/?i=4360&artId=1334&showonly=1&b=1

brian, you left your bitch album in my room...

...want me to mail it to you?

Call Your Senator!

I realize that calling for direct action isn't really Cake Police's thing, usually. However, times done had been changin'. Since Barack Obama's incredibly belated personal health care proposal does NOT include a public option (read: is cowardly), it's time to take to the streets (telephones). There is rapidly growing support in the Senate to pass a public insurance option through "reconciliation", which is a not at all apt seeming word for a process of passing a measure requiring only a simple majority of Senators, doing away with the 60 vote requirement which usually is incredibly effective at allowing nothing to ever get done. 23 Senators have already signed off on the letter to Sen. Majority Leader Harry Reid that they would support such a bill. Add Reid himself, who has been a longtime supporter of the public option, as well as Biden's tie-breaking vote, and you know he's down, and we're already half of the way there! So, for reals, guys, call your Senator! If you go to this website and type in your name, e-mail address (get over it), and zip code, they will give you the phone numbers for your state's Democratic Senators and a script to read when you call. This could not be easier. This really looks like the last best chance the public option has, especially before the elections later this year maybe fuck everything up and give the Republicans a majority in the Senate again.

CAKE POLICERS OF THE WORLD UNITE!

The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

The Good:

"The Conference Board said Tuesday its Consumer Confidence Index fell almost 11 points to 46 in February, down from a revised 56.5 in January. Analysts were expecting only a slight decrease to 55. It was the lowest level since the index recorded a 40.8 reading in April 2009.

"The increasing pessimism, which erased three months of improvement, is a big blow to hopes that consumer spending will power an economic recovery. Economists watch the confidence numbers closely because consumer spending accounts for about 70 percent of U.S. economic activity."

So, can we give up on the idea of a trickle-down economy that's based (at best) on the have's selling a bunch of stupid shit to the have not's through a culture of mass-marketing, yet? Probably not, huh? K. I'll just keep on waiting for the Rapture then. And obviously make sure my pets are taken care of when it happens.

I have not been watching any of the Olympics, because they sound super boring and I value my time. However, I recently read something that makes me think they're not quite so boring as I thought...

"The citizens of the village are young, remarkably healthy, and the definition of physically attractive. In such an environment, flirting is as natural as breathing.

“'It’s eye candy all the time. Everybody’s checking everybody else out from moment they get there,” recalled Cammi Granato, captain of the powerful U.S. Ice Hockey Team that won gold in Nagano in 1998 and silver in 2002 in Salt Lake City.

"Inevitably, some athletes get beyond flirting. That’s why the Vancouver organizers have laid in a stock of 100,000 condoms, which works out to 14 for each of the 7,000 athletes, coaches, trainers and officials housed in the Games’ two villages. (Apparently, skiing, skating and sliding aren’t the only activities at which Olympians excel.)

"...In 2000, Sydney organizers thought that 70,000 would be enough. They were wrong and had to send out for 20,000 more. Beijing also ordered 100,000 condoms with an Olympic motto: Faster, higher, stronger."

Nice one, Beijing! The article also goes on to state that outsiders are strictly forbidden in the Olympic Village, so these athletes are actually just all fucking each other all of the time. The article ends with this tasty nug:

"...As with Las Vegas, what happens in the Village, stays in the village."

"So no one will go on the record when talking about certain female figure skaters — no home country was specified — who, as one former athlete put it, “really liked hockey players — and I use the plural. I think Sweden was a very grateful country for that.'”

The Bad:

VILLE PLATTE, La. —

A 52-year-old Louisiana woman has pleaded guilty to two counts of sale of a minor for trading two children to a couple in exchange for an exotic pet bird and $175.

Donna Louise Greenwell received 15 months of hard labor on each count on Monday, which she will serve concurrently.

The Evangeline Parish Clerk of Court's Office tells The Advocate newspaper that Greenwell will begin serving her sentence March 25.

The couple, Paul James Romero and Brandy Lynn Romero, each pleaded guilty to the same charges in October.

Greenwell was accused of selling the couple a 4-year-old girl and 5-year-old boy in return for the cash and a cockatoo. Both children were in Greenwell's care after their biological parents had left them with her.

Look, I get it, times are tough all over. But a FUCKING COCKATOO?!?! I mean, if you think about it, that lady is eventually gonna have to put at least $175 back into the maintenance and wellbeing of that bird. So what this really boils down to is that this woman swapped two human children for a fucking cockatoo.

Also bad, the Florida State legislature is considering a bill that, if passed, would accomplish these things:

- Makes induced abortions illegal and punishable by up to life in prison

- Allows doctors and hospital to refuse to provide abortion services.

- Continues judicial bypass that allows minors to seek a judge’s order instead of telling a parent or guardian.

- Prohibits abortions resulting from pregnancies involving rape or incest.

- Requires a second physician to sign-off on the procedure when a doctor believes an abortion was medically necessary to save the life of the mother.

- Requires women to receive information on adoption as an abortion alternative

One would be easily led to believe an outrageous assault on women's health and established federal law like this wouldn't have a shot in hell. However, lest we forget, this is Florida we're talking about here.

And The Ugly:

Yikes!

Someone's bitter!

GETTIN' HIGH-BROW WITH THE MAGICAL FUCKERS

SOnic ion

it's going to take you there --- will you go - you are already there -- IT's ALL THE sAME TRIP!!

this site http://www.store.unexplainable.net offers all sorts of sonic conscious enhancement. Please take the time to ch ch check it out. The prices of these recordings are much lower than other binaural products i've seen- which can also include pictures and videos - there is a frequency running through all manifested matter and most of it has negative effects on your body/mind - it's time to fight back!

How Is This Possible?
Binaural Beats- Sine wave generators are used to create two separate frequency waves which are introduced to each ear independently. The brain reacts by creating a third tone which is the difference between the two. This allows the brain to directly tune into a frequency that the ear cannot hear! The entire range of Alpha and Theta frequencies (between 5-12 Hz) have been tested extensively in several studies. It was concluded that a specific combination of frequencies consistently caused a Shift In Consciousness!

also: Monaural Beats & Isochronic Tones

FYI

In case you missed it, Dick Cheney confessed to a war crime on ABC. Here's the damning portion of the transcript:

KARL: Did you more often win or lose those battles, especially as you got to the second term?

CHENEY: Well, I suppose it depends on which battle you're talking about. I won some; I lost some. I can't...

(CROSSTALK)

KARL: ... waterboarding, clearly, what was your...

CHENEY: I was a big supporter of waterboarding. I was a big supporter of the enhanced interrogation techniques that...

KARL: And you opposed the administration's actions of doing away with waterboarding?

CHENEY: Yes.

Andrew Sullivan lays out the implications of the admission:

There is not a court in the United States or in the world that does not consider waterboarding torture. The Red Cross certainly does, and it's the governing body in international law. It is certainly torture according to the UN Convention on Torture and the Geneva Conventions. The British government, America's closest Western ally, certainly believes it is torture. No legal authority of any type in the US or the world has ever doubted that waterboarding is torture. To have subjected an individual to waterboarding once is torture under US and international law. To subject someone to it 183 times is so categorically torture is it almost absurd to even write this sentence.

So the former vice-president has just confessed to a war crime. I repeat: the former vice-president has just confessed to a war crime.

There is no statute of limitations for such a crime; and the penalty under law is either the death penalty or a prison sentence for life.

The question is therefore not if, but when, he is convicted as a war criminal - in his lifetime or posthumously.

In fact, the attorney general of the United States is legally obliged to prosecute someone who has openly admitted such a war crime or be in violation of the Geneva Conventions and the UN Convention on Torture. For Eric Holder to ignore this duty subjects him too to prosecution. If the US government fails to enforce the provision against torture, the UN or a foreign court can initiate an investigation and prosecution.

These are not my opinions and they are not hyperbole. They are legal facts. Either this country is governed by the rule of law or it isn't. Cheney's clear admission of his central role in authorizing waterboarding and the clear evidence that such waterboarding did indeed take place means that prosecution must proceed.

Cheney himself just set in motion a chain of events that the civilized world must see to its conclusion or cease to be the civilized world. For such a high official to escape the clear letter of these treaties and conventions, and to openly brag of it, renders such treaties and conventions meaningless.

Washington (My) State's Legislature Loves Joose

Respect.

The Washington State House of Representatives Commerce and Labor Committee approved a new legislative bill on Feb. 2 concerning the amount of information available on cans of alcoholic energy drinks.

The original bill would have placed a complete ban on all “stimulant-enhanced malt beverages,” such as Tilt, Sparks, Joose and Four Loko.

However, at a committee meeting on Tuesday a substitute bill was approved, which changes the ban to a new labeling requirement instead.

KEEP YOUR BIG GOVERNMENT OFF OF MY ALCOHOLIC ENERGY DRINK INFUSED WITH MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF SUGAR!!!

Historical Texts On American Socialist Movements In The White House? Cue Uninformed Hysteria

Over at some conservative blog called Gateway Pundit, they posted pictures of a small section of the White House Library, which was apparently stocked by Michelle Obama, and features a few books on Socialist movements in America. Next to controversial tomes such as "U.S. Senators And Their World," no less! Whatever.

The real gold is in the comments section, of course. Here's a sampling of the ignorant indignants who've got beef:

"When Karl Marx was 18 years-old, some biographies intend he shortly joined a Satanic Church — and while he left it and later became a scholar, he adopted the materialistic- anti- spirit teachings of Satanism — which biographers intend is why he used such caustic and hatred rhetoric in his writings against spiritualism and religion.

ref. the Satanist Church run by Joana Southcott!
“His early writings mentioned the name “Oulanem,” which was a ritualistic name for Satan.”

Ironically

At the end of his life , he admitted that Communism, his version was indeed in need of a faith to run it — it made no rational sense. Therefore, supposedly we can frame communism as a materialistic religion based upon money-elitist science — such is the Al Gore ‘ give me the monies the world will end in ten years and all the ice will melt on the plane” — crapola.

It is no secret that the atheist-socialists control the White House and academia at Tire I institutions. This is why Karl Marx is their god. Marx once called for the destruction of all churches, religious statues and literature — to make his materialistic dispotia a reality. Michelle just has fallen for the mind-twist bait. Her husband is the personification of atheism — pro-anti-Christian."

"read Rules for Radicals -for opposition research–
the books on mho’s shelf would be good to read too- to know how the Dark Side (Lucifer’s kids) think…
I suggest using the public libraries- then we do not give our $$$ to the authors or their
foundations…."

"Just a little light reading for the family. How else could they “fundamentally change America forever” without some written instruction? Do they read Mein Kampf to the kids at night? These people are nuts."

"Hope!
Daughter came home from school today and said they read Woodrow Wilson’s big speech .. and remarked that she was shocked to discover how much Wilson was trying to upsurp the Constitution with his socialist (Progressive) ideas.

Think about that … she actually learned that in SCHOOL today.
YES!
yes yes yes yes yes yes!"

"Good Lord, save us from these lying usurpers. When will America Wake Up and throw out this creep and his “wife” for treason!

Of course, I would not expect nothing less from
such a classless hag."

"It is all part of the master plan to send us back to Serfdom. There will be three classes of people. The social elites, the paid enforcers and the rest of us will all be serfs working for the government.

I also note with dismay that one in ten Americans are out of work, while illegal immigrant slave labor continues working with federal approval

it all seems to be part of the socialist master plan."

What Will Happen To Our Pets When We're Busy Getting Raptured?

This will happen:

They Actually Didn't Know!

One week after their first national convention, the self-styled Teabaggers are facing an identity crisis after one of their members finally Googled the slang term "teabag."

"I was wondering why every time I told people I was a Teabagger they kind of started giggling in an embarrassed way," said Tracy Klugian, a Teabagger from Elyria, Ohio. "I was like, what the heck? Maybe I should use the Google [Lol.] and see what this is all about."

After Mr. Klugian Googled the word "teabag," he was shocked by what he discovered and shared his information with the Teabaggers' leadership, who are now actively looking for a new name for the group.

"We want a name that suggests we're out to give the Democrats a good fight," he said. "So far what we've come up with is the Donkey Punchers." More here.

I, personally, cannot wait for the Donkey Punchers 7" to drop.

The Most Prolifically Hyperlinked Blog Post I Have Ever Seen

From Glenn Greenwald at Salon:

"Ten American Baptists were arrested two weeks ago in Haiti on charges that they exploited the chaos in that country by attempting to smuggle 33 young Haitian children across the border without permission -- either to bring them to a life of Christianity or (as some evidence suggests) to filter them into a child trafficking ring. National Review's Kathryn Jean Lopez is deeply upset by the plight of at least one of the detained Americans, Jim Allen, whom she contends (based exclusively on his family's claims) is innocent. Lopez demands that the State Department do more to "insist" upon Allen's release, and -- most amazingly of all -- complains about the conditions of his detention. She has the audacity to cite a Human Rights Watch description of prison conditions in Haiti as "inhumane." Lopez complains that Allenwas waterboarded, stripped, frozen and beaten has "hypertension," wasshipped thousands of miles away to a secret black site beyond the reach of the ICRC and then rendered to Jordan allowed to speak to his wife only once in the first ten days of his confinement, and was consigned to years in an island-prison cage with no charges denied his choice of counsel for a few days (though he is now duly represented in Haitian courts by a large team of American lawyers).

"You know what else Human Rights Watch vehemently condemns as human rights abuses? Guantanamo, military commissions, denial of civilian trials,indefinite detention, America's "enhanced interrogation techniques,"renditions, and a whole slew of other practices that are far more severe than the conditions in Haiti about which Lopez complains and yet which have been vocally supported by National Review. In fact, Lopez's plea for Allen is surrounded at National Review by multiple and increasingly strident attackson the Obama administration by former Bush officials Bill Burck and Dana Perino for (allegedly) abandoning those very policies, as well as countless posts from former Bush speechwriter (and the newest Washington Postcolumnist) Marc Thiessen promoting his new book defending torture. Lopez herself has repeatedly cheerled for Guantanamo and related policies, hailingMitt Romney's call in a GOP debate that we "double Guantanamo" as his "best answer" and saying she disagrees with John McCain's anti-torture views, while mocking human rights concerns with the term "Club Gitmo." And National Review itself has led an endless attack on the credibility of Human Rights Watch, accusing it of anti-Israel and anti-American bias for daring to point out the human rights abuses perpetrated by those countries."

Also, below, the concluding paragraph, which although devoid of hyperlinks, is not lacking in truth.

"Would you rather be an American wrongfully accused of child trafficking even in the post-earthquake Haitian justice system (complete with lawyers, access to courts, and full due process), or a Muslim wrongly accused of Terrorism by the U.S. Government (and put in a black hole for years with no rights)? To ask the question is to answer it. The primary duty of a citizen is to protest bad acts by their own government. If you're acquiescing to or even endorsing serious human rights abuses by your own government, then it's not only morally absurd -- but laughably ineffective -- to parade around as some sort of human rights crusader when it comes time to protest the treatment of one of your own, however you might define that. It might produce some soothing feelings of self-satisfaction, but nobody will remotely take that seriously, nor should they."

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